A Short Review Of The Bible

The Bible is a fantastic story about the rise of a fictional Hebrew storm god named Yahweh, and his wife, Asherah. Through a series of well-planned maneuvers, and a little coaxing from the wife, Yahweh manages to usurp control of mankind from the Elohim, a consortium of gods that created the universe. So cunning and diabolical was Yahweh, that he managed to also steal credit for the creation!  Somewhere along the way Asherah disappears. Not sure what happened to her, but the general character of Yahweh would lead us to believe that he just ditched the bitch.

Anyhow, our story chronicles the rise of Yahweh, and is a brilliant work of fiction in it’s own right. How he magically formed his unstoppable armies, led by powerful and charismatic leaders who conquered the world as they carried Yahweh’s talisman into battle is epic fictional storytelling. It has everything a good story should have. Twists of fate, huge battles, magic, sorcery, true love, talking animals, deviousness, kingdoms lost, salvation, abandonment, lust, crime, drama, happiness, laughter, great storms and one hell of a cliff-hanger!

The sequel is marvelous! Just when you thought it was all over for the Hebrews, Yahweh decides to come back and save the day! He doesn’t do this as you would expect, wearing spandex and sporting a cape like the standard superhero. No, Yahweh decides to come back as a baby! Ok, ok, I know the whole virgin birth of a savior is a twist on a very old story, and it had already been done countless times. But this particular version was a little different. This tale was written to specifically integrate with the story of Yahweh, and the storytellers did a great job of tying it all together.

Back to our hero…

The sequel begins with Yahweh magically impregnating a young Jewish girl, telling her to name the kid “Josh.” The story doesn’t really continue much after this until about twelve years later, when Josh makes a short appearance in the story as a snot-nosed kid causing trouble at the local temple, mainly because he’s got some socialist ideas and everyone knows that ancient Palestine was run by Republicans.

In fact, Josh doesn’t really make any headlines until he’s in his thirties. Until then, he leads a rather normal life as a Palestinian Jew amongst his people. In fact, because his earthly parents were good, obedient Jews, they would have chosen a wife for him, as Jewish culture practiced arranged marriages. If our tale were to remain true to custom, Jesus would have been married at around sixteen years old and we can assume that after the wedding ceremony with the alabaster jar, he and his young wife, Mary from Bethany, settled nicely into their lives and had some kids. He would have to have been married for the story to written the way it was, because unmarried men were considered a curse to Jewish society and Josh would not have had much credibility as a leader if he wasn’t married.

But then, out of nowhere, Josh shows up and he means business! He gathers a group of rag-tag followers and embarks on a world tour, shaking hands, kissing babies and healing the scattered leper. His friends were loyal to him, mainly because he gave them free wine and occasionally rescued them from horrific drunken hangovers. In fact, one of Josh’s friends got so wasted, he puked all over his tunic and rolled down a hill, tearing his tunic to shreds. He rolled into a cave and the unceremoniously shit himself. Of course, Josh knew where his friend was partying, and one never to miss an opportunity to grandstand a little, he calls over a few of the townspeople to the mouth of the cave where his drunken friend lay, covered in shit, piss and vomit. Josh yells out for his friend, saying, “Lazarus, come forth.” When Laz finally stumbles out of the cave, it was all Josh could do to stop giggling his ass off when the townspeople got a whiff of him!

This is great stuff! I won’t tell you the ending, as I don’t want to spoil it for you. I will tell you has epic storms, horses, dragons, looting, demons and one ass-kickin zombie , all wrapped up in a fairy tale ending! You should pick up a copy of this book. However, I have found them hard to find without asking for it by name, as for some reason everywhere I have gone the Bible has not been in the fiction section, where it should be. Enjoy, and make sure you have plenty of popcorn!

 

  17 comments for “A Short Review Of The Bible

  1. colubridae
    October 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

    You don’t need to buy one!

    There are plenty of dumbass websites will send you one for free if you press the right buttons.

  2. October 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    I don’t know, I found some of the events to be too farfetched. Now a Jedi fighting an evil emperor in a galactic struggle, that’s believable.

  3. October 30, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    My problem with this book is that I don’t find it as fun to read, only because it really needs a good editor. The writer or writers (much of it is by Anonymous (no, not the internet people)) have left in too much dross to make it the really fun beach read it could otherwise be. I’ve had the same problem slogging through Anna Karenina and all its talk of agriculture.
    By the time the Bible (really, it should be called the Babble for all the rambling it does) get so its third begotten, all story momentum has been sucked dry. And that’s not even mentioning the contradictory repetition right in the very first couple of chapters!
    There are a lot of great elements to the story, but without a first-rate editor taking a blue pencil to it, it will never belong in the upper echelons of fantasy novels.

  4. Lauren Ipsum
    October 30, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Please note, this book is not for the kids. There’s a lot of really violent stuff — abuse, rape, murder, fratricide, genocide, mass murder of children — not to mention the incest and being forced to marry and impregnate your late brother’s wife.

    Frankly, it’s a creepy story, and the narrator isn’t all that reliable. I enjoy a good fantasy/horror book, but I’d rather read Stephen King or Dean Koontz, where I know the whole thing holds together, and if a whole bunch of people are slaughtered, the text treats it as a bad thing.

  5. Tom Clark
    October 31, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Wow, Al! Were you possessed by the spirit of PZ Myers or something? This is uncharacteristically rhetorical (but excellent, obviously).

  6. October 31, 2011 at 10:02 am

    People claim that the bible is the greatest story that has ever been told, but the truth is that it could use a little editing. There is a lot of places where it could do with less genealogy, and a whole lot more ninja-zombie ass-kicking. And there are some parts that are written in a completely different tone, as if those parts were inspired by a complete different deity.

    Sasquatch Jesus is more fun.
    The passion of sasquatch Jesus.

  7. Eggplant Wizard
    October 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    You know, I was prepared to like this book due to all the hype I’ve heard, but not unlike the Twilight series or Harry Potter books that are enjoyed by large numbers of people, I never felt that the characters and scenarios were plausible. Yahweh was written as a deus ex machina (a writer’s wet dream here because literally there was no situation he couldn’t insert him into – he’s literally everywhere? C’mon..)

    I also found the Father and Son bit a little gimmicky – you could never be clear who was who in certain scenes just from reading them, lending itself to much confusion. Things didn’t get much better when they did some sort of metaphysical Voltron act and three became one. It was often tiresome with boring interludes of didactic preachiness and like Tokien, often hard to read due to the antiquated walk they talked. Kind of like reading Chaucer or Shakespeare, but those I found much more enjoyable with more realistic characters and plot devices. The action – there was a lot of it – was increible at times in its use of metaphor. Like The Fall of the House of Usher, I never knew when one turned into the other or if that’s just what a character interpreted it as. Don’t read Revelations before bed, as I did – trust me on this.

  8. October 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Some might find this version of the book intersting.
    http://www.fakebible.com/

    • November 1, 2011 at 9:09 am

      That’s hysterical: better than the Authorized Version, even better than the Codex Sinaiticus!

  9. 'Tis Himself, OM
    October 31, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Folks, if you think the Bible is bad there’s some fanfic that’s even worse. Joe Smith’s Book of Mormon is a sure cure for insomnia.

  10. Lou Jost
    October 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    For many more great Bible reviews, check out the customer reviews of Amazon’s “The Holy Bible: King James Version”:

    http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Bible-King-James-Version/dp/0529064634/ref=cm_cr-mr-title

  11. October 31, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    This reminds me of a bit of fun I had on Twitter where I’d post excerpts of a review of the Bible that doesn’t actually exist.

    #BibleBookReview

    Eg.
    “The story of Jesus seems to be a Marvel-esque reboot of Horus from the Egyptian mythology franchise.”

    “A two-part epic tenuously woven together.”

    “The God character is your stereotypical evil villain making his followers pay for his mistakes.”

    “Characters in this book bear striking resemblance to David Koresh’s 1993 hit TV show set in Waco, Texas.”

    “This tall tale puts the ‘fixion’ in crucifixion.”

    I also started one for #KoranBookReview

    “It’s almost like a toddler with crayons tried to rewrite the Bible.”

    • Aliasalpha
      November 1, 2011 at 1:43 am

      Odd thing was I was about to mention your attempt to get that to trend.

      For me the book fell apart when I realised that the main character was something of a mary sue and an inconsistent one at best

  12. November 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    constantly a large enthusiast associated with connecting to blog writers that i adore however don’t obtain lots of link love from.

  13. Don F
    November 1, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    A pretty good book, I guess. No Princess Bride, for sure . . . but that book (and the resulting movie) has EVERYTHING to make a book (and a movie) exceptionally good. This “Bible” tome doesn’t even have a decent sword-fighting scene, does it?

    Will there be a film? It will be really long, I’m guessing; more reels than LotR.

    • hoverfrog
      November 4, 2011 at 6:52 am

      I dunno, there are some good chariot scenes in one adaptation I saw and even some sword fighting in some of the spin off movies like Ben Hur.

  14. hoverfrog
    November 4, 2011 at 6:50 am

    I found the books incredible dull. The film versions are much better.

    There is a fantastic film of one part of the bible that features Charlton Heston as the character Moses who calls down evil magic spells to slaughter thousands of people. His opponent and the hero of the movie is played by Yul Brynner. Rameses is brother to the adopted Moses and he desperately tries to keep his kingdom together as the wicked sorcerer hurls spell after spell at the innocent Egyptians. Heston didn’t often play villains but he really excelled in this role.

    The movie of the sequel isn’t quote so good. A number of attempts have been made but they generally only cover four of the books and they are very selective about which bits come from which part. That’s probably to do with the awful writing. These four books all tell the same story but aren’t even remotely consistent.

    Of the film versions that I’ve seen they usually cast the lead as a tall, skinny, white guy with blue eyes. As if this would go uncommented in the Middle East where the story is set. I suppose we should allow some artistic licence for film makers but this story jumps the shark fro the very beginning. Nor do the writers give the lead many lines. He tends to stand around looking pretty while people buzz round him making grand proclamations in his name and argue over his magical abilities. I’m sure that they’ll be another attempt before long and I hope they cast a more flamboyant actor with some flair for performing magic.

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