Al Stefanelli’s Short Review of “The Bible”

The Bible is a fantastic story about the rise of a fictional Hebrew storm god named Yahweh, and his wife, Asherah. Through a series of well-planned maneuvers, and a little coaxing from the wife, Yahweh manages to usurp control of mankind from the Elohim, a consortium of gods that created the universe. So cunning and diabolical was Yahweh, that he managed to also steal credit for the creation!  Somewhere along the way Asherah disappears. Not sure what happened to her, but the general character of Yahweh would lead us to believe that he just ditched the bitch.

Anyhow, our story chronicals the rise of Yahweh, and is a brilliant work of fiction in it’s own right. How he magically formed his unsptoppable armies, led by powerful and charismatic leaders who conquered the world as they carried Yahweh’s talisman into battle is epic fictional storytelling. It has everything a good story should have. Twists of fate, huge battles, magic, sorcery, true love, talking animals, deviousness, kingdoms lost, salvation, abandonment, lust, crime, drama, happiness, laughter, great storms and one hell of a cliff-hanger!

The sequel is marvelous! Just when you thought it was all over for the Hebrews, Yahweh decides to come back and save the day! He doesn’t do this as you would expect, wearing spandex and sporting a cape like the standard superhero. No, Yahweh decides to come back as a baby! Ok, ok, I know the whole virgin birth of a savior is a twist on a very old story, and it had already been done countless times. But this particular version was a little different. This tale was written to specifically integrate with the story of Yahweh, and the storytellers did a great job of tying it all together.

Back to our hero…

The sequel begins with Yahweh magically impregnating a young Jewish girl, telling her to name the kid “Josh.” The story doesn’t really continue much after this until about twelve years later, when Josh makes a short appearance in the story as a snot-nosed kid causing trouble at the local temple, mainly because he’s got some socialist ideas and everyone knows that ancient Palestine was run by Republicans.

In fact, Josh doesn’t really make any headlines until he’s in his thirties. Until then, he leads a rather normal life as a Palestinian Jew amongst his people. In fact, because his earthly parents were good, obedient Jews, they would have chosen a wife for him, as Jewish culture practiced arranged marriages. If our tale were to remain true to custom, Jesus would have been married at around sixteen years old and we can assume that after the wedding ceremony with the alabaster jar, he and his young wife, Mary from Bethany, settled nicely into their lives and had some kids. He would have to have been married for the story to written the way it was, because unmarried men were considered a curse to Jewish society and Josh would not have had much credibility as a leader if he wasn’t married.

But then, out of nowhere, Josh shows up and he means business! He gathers a group of rag-tag followers and embarks on a world tour, shaking hands, kissing babies and healing the scattered leper. His friends were loyal to him, mainly because he gave them free wine and occasionally rescued them from horrific drunken hangovers. In fact, one of Josh’s friends got so wasted, he puked all over his tunic and rolled down a hill, tearing his tunic to shreds. He rolled into a cave and the unceremoniously shit himself. Of course, Josh knew where his friend was partying, and one never to miss an opportunity to grandstand a little, he calls over a few of the townspeople to the mouth of the cave where his drunken friend lay, covered in shit, piss and vomit. Josh yells out for his friend, saying, “Lazarus, come forth.” When Laz finally stumbles out of the cave, it was all Josh could do to stop giggling his ass off when the townspeople got a whiff of him!

This is great stuff! I won’t tell you the ending, as I don’t want to spoil it for you. I will tell you has epic storms, horses, dragons, looting, demons and one ass-kickin zombie , all wrapped up in a fairy tale ending! You should pick up a copy of this book. However, I have found them hard to find without asking for it by name, as for some reason everywhere I have gone the Bible has not been in the fiction section, where it should be. Enjoy, and make sure you have plenty of popcorn!

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 Al Stefanelli is the author of “A Voice Of Reason In An Unreasonable World – The Rise Of Atheism On Planet earth.”  He also writes for the National Atheism Examiner and Yahoo! He is also the Predident and Founder of the United Atheist Front, wich can be found on the Web, Facebook, Twitter, Podbean and YouTube

  7 comments for “Al Stefanelli’s Short Review of “The Bible”

  1. Golden
    March 27, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Awesome!

  2. March 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I’m guessing this was meant to be a total comedy piece, since none of it was accurate. For instance, Asherah was a goddess of a different nation and there isn’t a single reference (or reference which could give a reasonable person the idea) that Asherah was was married to Yahweh.

    There are some aspects of your post that I think are good, like the part about the virgin Mary and naming her son “Josh,” but then you start writing total fiction when you say that Josh as a young boy was causing trouble at the local temple.

    I’m for people sharing their opinion and disagreeing with me. I’m not against you writing a comical review of the Bible, but I would just prefer if your review was based on what the Bible actually says instead of taking a few key persons and places and making up the rest of the story.

    • nancy
      March 27, 2011 at 7:04 pm

      Funny how things can get changed in translation.

    • Steve Williamson
      March 28, 2011 at 7:50 am

      Not like the babble has any truth in it though really so it is quite a moot point you attempt to make.

    • Scott
      March 29, 2011 at 11:02 am

      Actually, there are several references to Asherah in the bible. Most are in Deuteronomy, about the judging of Hebrew kings based on their upholding of Yahweh worship, and their suppression of worship of Asherah and other deities, but other references appear in Exodus, Kings, Judges, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Micah. Do not neglect that the bible has been heavily edited, with entire books missing. Historical texts and archaeological findings do point to Yahweh and Asherah being married… for lack of a better term.

      There is an inscription found by an Israeli archaeologist in 1975 that reads “I have blessed you by YHVH of Samaria and His Asherah”, which directly references Asherah as a goddess with close ties to Yahweh.

      Israel and Judah were two kingdoms with a shared pantheon of deities, which included Ba’al, Asherah, and Yahweh. Ba’al and Asherah were the patriarch and matriarch deities to start (Ba’al having replaced El at some point), but after some time, and interactions with neighboring nations, Yahweh was elevated to the head of the pantheon (apparently absorbing Ba’al), because he was viewed as being a stronger figurehead, so that their pantheon would properly rival the pantheons of these other nations. Slowly, over time, these other deities in the pantheon were “absorbed” by the stronger faiths, until only Yahweh and Asherah remained.

      There was a strong push towards monotheism after this (possibly political in nature), and this is mostly what Deuteronomy is referencing. I believe it was a reaction to both Israel and Judah being invaded and conquered (at different times, by different nations) that eventually had the Judean people believing that Yahweh was the only god, and god of all the world and all the universe, and that he had used the conquerors to punish the Judeans for their misdeeds and lack of piety. Afterward, this caused them to denounce the pantheons and gods of other nations as false, and for them to spread worship of Yahweh, whom they believed was the only true god, and that they were the only ones with true knowledge of him.

  3. Artor
    March 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Sorry, I read it and I’m not impressed. The editing is crap, the story is disjointed and contradictory. I can’t suspend my disbelief at the absurd goings-on, and none of the main characters inspire the least bit of sympathy. The best parts are plagiarized from older, better-written works. If I want crazy, religious cult-inspired fiction, Orson Scott Card is a much better writer.

  4. September 8, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Fiction about fiction? Let’s hope the second coming of the text is at least readable and mildly entertaining. 🙂

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